The story of a soul

semIt was the year 2010 when I left the seminary for failing to complete the requirements required. I studied AB Classical Philosophy but I never accomplished it. I was in the second year level when the rector of the seminary talked to me and said that I should leave the seminary. I felt very sorry for leaving the seminary.  But it was not my fault because I did my best and my best was not enough, sad to admit it. One thing very usual to me every time I leave the seminary for the home visit though for that moment were different, I prayed for whatever will happen to me outside the seminary. I surrendered my force to the will of God that’s why I never looked down in that moment though I was sad, very sad for leaving the seminary. Everything for me was God’s will. In that moment it was difficult to understand the plan of God for me but after several years I realized that it was part of God’s plan for me. If that moment never happened I was not able to travel to Rome and see Pope Benedict XVI. It could be just a dream. I was happy to see the pastor of the Catholic church. I could imagine how blessed I was from millions of people who dream to see the leader of the Catholic church.

download-5Somehow it was difficult to tell to my benefactors that I failed and I could not be a priest. But I resisted it. I told to myself that it was only a beginning for my dream. So I told to my benefactor in Italy that I would come back in the seminary. I just let two years pass and studied outside the seminary then returned. But sad to admit that my benefactor back out to support me and proposed something more interesting. He invited me to come in Italy and be a member of the congregation he was trying to form. If I would like the congregation I could stay to be a member. So I accept the proposal. It was not bad to try another religious congregation. I waited for one year to process my document meanwhile I worked in the factory with the help of our neighbor who works as human resources in the factory. After the necessary documentation was accomplished I left my family and country with the hope I could be a priest someday. But one thing that caught my attention was everything turns in to the nightmare. I had a bad communication with my superior. We don’t understand each other not because I don’t speak Italian but we don’t really understand each other, literally. I do nothing inside the convent except serving to the Holy Eucharist. I asked if I can work to support my family in the Philippines but he disagreed with me. And it resulted leaving the congregation. I traveled to Rome to search for a job. I don’t have enough money to stay in Rome. One week later  I never found any job in Rome until my friends asked me to come to Pescina, Aquila. My friends, whom members of the religious community called, Sister of the Holy Spirit, helped me to find a job until they recommended me to come to Bari and worked as a care giver. I accepted it as it was my starting point. Seven months I worked as a caregiver until I found another job in Bari. I worked in one factory of fish. It was called Porto Santo Spirito Srl. As I worked in the factory I discovered one thing in my life, I was tortured by fear and anxiety that cause me depress. One year later I left the company and everything started there. I had traumatic depression. I had prayed to God and asked why this such thing happened to me. If it was a way of God to make me back to him well he won to convince me. I should be patient and courageous in whatever I do. So I came back to the congregation but it won’t work because everything in me has changed. And then I decided to return to my country. But everything never stops there. I decided to consult a doctor. After some medication, I was totally healed but I was not easy for me. I had lost a lot of things in my life, my work and most of all my pride as who I am. I lost my dignity, courage, and hope in God, the confidence that I had with God. mammola_-_san_nicodemo_a-bOne thing I did that all return to me was my continuous prayer. Even I lost my confidence I continued to pray and to attend the Holy Eucharist. And little by little I understood that everything was works of His divine mercy. I could die at that moment. I was totally depressed. It was very dangerous. I could commit suicide in that moment before I returned to my country. But thanked I stood still and hold to the mercy of God for me.  I understood that the works of the Holy Spirit was unpredictable and it was with me. He directed me to understand that I was loved. And there’s nothing to worry about. Just let the Holy Spirit works in his totality and everything will be alright. I have learned to trust to God profoundly. That’s why I never afraid anymore. And it leads me to try to travel again. I came back to Italy to find a job that will suit my necessary needs. But everything never stops there. I had a traumatic depression that ends me to caught by policemen here in Italy. But I never give up. I try to continue my daily affairs inside the REMS (Residenze Esecuzione Misure di Sicurezza). I always prayed for everything that’s happening to me. I knew it was not easy to pray while you are tortured by uncertain circumstances like this one. After all, it was all about me and God, my independence with him and my relationship with him as his beloved faithful. It was a way for me to change but not to be separate with God’s love. I knew that it was a way of God to purify me from my sins. And I was happy that I understood this thing and I continued to hope and to trust to his divine love. I could say, sometimes everything that happens to us is a way of God to purify us from our intentions in life. That’s why He let bad things or evil happen to us. I told you there’s something good in evil things.

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